Lost in the dark

What do you do when you are tired of walking towards the light you have hoped was leading you to where you wanted to go?

When the lines on the map that were leading you towards what you hoped was a new beginning starts looking like a lot of chicken scratch from a drunken man with a nervous tick?

What do you do when those pools of water that you waded through like puddles, turn into puddles that you are to tired to step over because your feet are dragging?

How do you address the sun breaking through the clouds when all you feel is the wetness from the rain?

Am I just sleep deprived and tired? Have I allowed myself to work too many days in a row and just gotten lost in the shuffle working from whenever to whenever, over hill and dale, cities and towns running together in a poll of rainbow layers.



When I sleep I get enough "rest" so that my body can get up and function the next day but my mind is not in it, I can't remember the last actual dream I have had. Oh I have had a horny dalliance here and there, but no flights of fancy where whole new worlds opened up for my mind to enjoy. As if my reality was a better dream than anything my mind could weave.

It seems silly, I know it's almost Capricorn season and that previous happy introspection's have become bitter reminders of that which I am not, who I am not. Probably why I didn't do one last year if I am being honest with myself, something I find easy to do but that I choose to avoid lately.

My batteries are charged yet my light is not on because I have no clue where I want to point it, I feel my lungs fill and release and yet I taste neither a sweet breeze nor a bitter cold the capacity is still there to do both, but I seem not to notice them anymore. I know we have been having crazy weather as of late, cold one day hot the next, but I don't even seem to notice the temperature. I am out in it but I guess until I have a good distance walked behind me I am unphased by the elements, it will be what it will be I have something to do and can not be concerned with what Mother Nature has intended for her day.

Am I just in one of my normal melancholy moods? Have I become so wound up in my own thoughts that I have not taken bearings of my current location and weighed the victory of my current position?

I can ask all these questions but at the moment my mind can not process the answer. I can't even call this autopilot because I have no clue where to tell it to take me, apprehensive that where I end up is actually where I am trying to go. That it's no so much I don't now the where or when but that I would rather spin blindly then to actually land and deal with my past, present, future hell to figure out exactly what point in time I'm in.

Hiding in plain sight, one of my specialties. I'm here but you only see the shadow, you don't see the scars from a hard days work, a mischievous days play, the sweat from my determination, or the dried tears from my failures. You see a stone casting shade, my fault of course, if it cools you on a hot day fine, if it protects you from the elements coming your way glad to be of service, if it allows you to not be it as your friends come looking for you well just this one time(I mean it really next time go hide somewhere else *wink*). I've been hiding from myself lately too, avoiding offering too much freedom to my opinion lest it decide to talk about all the things I have been trying not to deal with.

It's funny isn't it someone who tries to tame chance as often as I do, running from variables and possibilities my old friends banging on the door holding the ball and me hiding under the curtains. It's no so much I don't like me right now as I don't have to time to know me, know why it is that I can't or won't take the step.

I only live once, why do I feel stuck in place?

I can pick others up why does it feel so comfortable for me on the ground?

Oddly enough I seem to be trying to fill unseen voids with trinkets so that I don't have to stare into the abyss, yet I love the darkness in the past I would just jump in. Why do I hesitate, what is it that I am afraid I hear because there is nothing to be seen in this dark pit of..... I won't say forever because I am too mentally vain to pretend whatever this is doesn't have a bottom. In fact I am sure it is quite shallow, the problem is

I still don't want to jump in.....
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the tiger seems to not be home today or feeling very feline. The mirror my old enemy showing me what was there not what I wanted seems to be at a loss to, I mean what do I see, what is there to see, even it seems to be at a loss for words