Countdown

It's a rather momentous occasion actually. My 10th wedding anniversary, yes I know I have been separated from my wife for the last going on 3 years doesn't change my marital status. I'm still married just seperated, I know that as far as most men are concerned that belief probably has me in the minority, my response is and? I am who I am and always have been that person, a bunch of oxymorons, wrapped in enigmas, packed in misshapen boxes, falling through round holes being pushed by triangular pegs.

10 years ago on the 11th of December, 7 days before my mothers day of birth and 13 before my own I asked the middle child of a carolinian mother if she would be my wife for better or for worse. Crazily she said I do, I mean have you read some of my blogs and seen how twistedly my mind works(little red squiggles we have had this talk before begone) she did not understand what she was signing up for. When it became too much she walked out the door, thing is she didn't send any papers back. As such my obligations did not change, I am still a husband and try to direct myself as such. Oh yes I may flirt and tease, I will send you pictures of almost anything you wanna see(the rectum is off limits sorry nothing is going up there so why even show it) I will see pictures that are sent to me. I am still that friend and confidant if you need that I have been to who ever has asked it of me. Just who I am, hell even when she cursed my name I was still hers, as tends to be the pattern everybody wants a shoulder to cry on and never has time to lend one.

Oh I'll be honest I can be overly emotional, I may not show it as much as I did in my youth but I vent like crazy myself(thus why some of my blogs are so erratic and curse laden, just not of course here), I can be moody, as much as I talk I may not always know how to express myself in a time or manner that someone else may need or find acceptable. I can become distant, I can be impatient(for those with the incredulous looks no one knows me better then I and I'm not being humble I am being honest), stubborn past the point of lunacy. When she left I had to do a lot of soul searching and ask hard questions that though I had no problems facing, it doesn't make it any easier to have to face them. No matter how fearless you still feel pain, despair and embarrassment.

By the way I am being vague not deep(or at least not trying to be) I may type a lot but I still enjoy having a nice amount of privacy, since I don't need to be popular I also don't need to throw someone else under the bus to get you onto the pity me parade float. I mean to be honest I was obviously the inadequate one, people only go in search of what they are missing when they are not already getting it. Was I too proud(which for me is odd because while I may take pride in who I am and what I might be doing at the time rarely do I think I make a me first acknowledgment a deal breaker), was I not supportive enough, to I fail to listen, to act, did I come up with a lousy plan, did I come up with a great plan but gloat and make my partner feel uncomfortable with their place in it. Many a hard masturbatory night spent trying to relieve tension as well as figure out was I really that lousy a husband.

Don't ask me why this blog has taken this direction I guess I just had somethings I needed to release, I mean I have been married for 10 years wow. I mean to go from thinking hmmm maybe I will always be alone to actually having someone who wanted to put up with me, to them then deciding anything is better then being with him. it has been a sobering, joyful, painful, and educational 10 years, some questions still remain, the future is ever cloudy. But on friday I will have been married for 10 years and I will be spending that day with my wife, how good it feels to type that. We're still separated, things while better are still at times tense, but for now she is still tolerating me, and willing to see if she was really right in saying I do