Monday, August 7, 2017

Primal's "Late as HELL" Movie Trailers- Wonder Woman

Needless to say, most of these movies are out, some have bombed, some are still on the way and the movie review WHEW that is so far in the ditch but I will try to get my behind in gear and pump these bad boys out. Since these are late I will add a little extra commentary for SOME of them. I was just in a blogging funk and couldn't get out of my own head for a little while. I hope everyone has been enjoying their summer movie season so far we have gotten some good movies, a few movies have underperformed GREATLY(two are on this list) and we still have a few to come.

It was a nicely packed theater for the first Lady of DC comics, and most of us enjoyed the movie to the fullest, these were the trailers that greeted us way back on Opening Weekend(Before she raked in almost 400 MILLION dollars). If you haven't seen it yet "baby what is you doing?" We have to support the GOOD DC movies so that they realize who not to hire(People like Zack Snyder or Brian Singer) in the future, we love these characters because of THEIR stories, sometimes the director's VISION needs to take a hike. If you want to make a movie with a specific cast but they  won't give you the budget for it, that should tell you something BUT I digress so without further ado or stalling by me: Your Trailers for Wonder Woman(2017)

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

The title SHOULD read Valerian and the too long name that forget to make sure people understood WHEN it came out. Valerian looks cool, too young Space Cops, on a mission to save the city of a thousand planets and I'll be damned if even though I was looking forward to this coolly styled movie if I didn't forget when in the hell it came out. No seriously, I remember watching the trailer for it on July 14th and I would SWEAR that it mysteriously flipped from Coming Soon to out now before my eyes. This movie suffered from a terrible ad campaign, I mean I know you came out between Spider-man Homecoming and War for the Planet of the Apes but dude you gotta put up a better fight than that.

Valerian is directed by Luc Besson who gave us The Fifth Element, it is done in a SIMILAR style to The Fifth Element, it is brightly colored, seems to have some decent visuals, the action we saw was random(not unlike the trailers for John Carter) who are the bad guys, why are they the bad guys. Why are we supposed to root for Valerian? It was just a mess, I may still go see it but now there are a lot of movies out that have handled themselves much better in the ad department that I want to see. I do expect though that when this hits streaming services, blu ray, and cable that it becomes a cult favorite, it is just pretty enough to make people wonder HOW they missed it in theaters.

Thor Ragnarok

Also known as Thor and his extremely, terribly, bad day. I mean this trailer will be known as "The day Thor got trash talked by the Hulk IN ENGLISH and we all understood it." Like me and the trailer were good after that, like I don't need anything else "Hulk like RAGING FIRE Thor like smoldering fire" by the way I made smoldering like that because at first Hulk ain even want to BLESS him with being team fire, straight said Thor was like water WATER for the THUNDERER sick burn hulk, oops sorry Thor.

So basically Hela invades Asgard, BREAKS Thor's Hammer (Mjolnir, his faithful companion for oh so many centuries. Yes he still needs time), kicks Thor off world where he gets captured, has his locks shaved, and is thrown into a gladiatorial arena face some mighty warrio... Oh hey it's the Hulk. Who is now charging at him angrily after he greeted him in such a joyful and triumphant manner. Don't ask me how long the Hulk has been on that planet, but Thor's reaction to seeing Mean Green silenced the crowd. I mean, that ain the end of the movie so now Thor is "Putting a team together" his captor(Valkyrie), His Brother (Loki), His Favorite Avenger, sorry Steve and Tony, (Hulk), and the one and only Odinson(Thor), yeah you might have an army but sister it just became WOEFULLY understaffed.

The Mummy(2017)

Or the Tom Cruise movie NOBODY wanted. Look, we all have fond memories of the EARLY 2000's Brendan Fazer Mummy movies, yes the last one was a LITTLE underwhelming but it was fun. Then we got off into the Scorpion king and THAT didn't go as well as planned(one decent movie starring the Rock and then a bunch of Straight to DVD sequels), and well I guess we figured they were just gonna let it die off. The problem with THIS movie is while it was supposed to be a reboot in the modern era it just felt like a rip off of the previous set, no seriously when we see her face ripping through London it reminds me of Imhotep in the dessert which most likely you didn't want. It was supposed to be a stand alone, she is supposed to be some OTHER cursed soul who has a grudge against the world, I'm not supposed to be wonder when O'Connel is going to come save the day.

Anyway, Tom cruise and crew are transporting the ancient body of what they don't know is a cursed mummy. Their plane crashes, Tom's character dies, and the Mummy is released. Somehow Tom cruise comes back to life so that he can fight the mummy but is the mummy really the bad guy. Russel Crowe is in the movie to make you wonder about that. So, are you dieing to see it now? Nope, nobody else apparently was either, this movie was another flopperoony just like Valerian.

Blade Runner 2049

Rick Deckard was a LAPD Blade Runner back in 2019, retired until 4 replicants decided to steal a ship and come to earth. They dragged him out of retirement for this one last job, because Rick was damn good at it. He could find them, and he could kill them like few others but that was a long time ago, LA hasn't gotten much better in the last 30 years and now Officer K must track down Rick Deckard to try and help him solve a mystery before the whole world breaks.

This is the THIRD major movie that Harrison Ford was in before he kicked Alec Baldwin out of the Jack Ryan movies. It's based on a Philip K Dick novel, and it is a sequel this very 30 years in the making. I don't know if they weren't as impressed with the cgi and special effects in the first movie which is why they waited or if they just couldn't fit a sequel into Harrison Ford's burgeoning schedule but hopefully it lives up to the original.


Basically when somebody has a HUGELY bad idea, and they get shown how HUGELY a bad idea it was. The Human race decided to build a series of Weather CONTROLLING SATELLITES because we were tired of Natural Disasters killing too many people. I mean there is NO WAY ANYBODY could hack said satellites, lock us out, and OMG somebody hacked our weather control satellites and is using them to cause giant catastrophic weather events around the globe *Deadpool Shocked FACE* oh no, who could have seen this coming?

Look I know in the early 00's we loved planetary disaster movies but this one is so damned stupid. I would love to say that WE as a species aren't dumb enough to do something like this, I know we aren't but I refuse to watch a movie about us proving how stupid we can be. Weather Control Satellites, REAAAAAALLY is there a Bond, Superman, Batman, Captain America, Spider-man, hell ANY Super Villain or bad guy who didn't do this in the 80's or 90's. Hell Didn't Dr. Evil have a Frickin Weather Control Satellite too? *I am not gonna rant, I am not gonna rant* Yeah, yeah there are some cool actors in this movie and I am sure PLENTY of you are going to go see it, I think(I hope not) I just refuse, say no to extremely dumb movie plots that are meant to be serious 2017

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