Long round about description of who I am and how I get sometimes. It's the beginning of the year As that link says I can be stable, a rock, Mr. Dependable until I get a bout of the lows and then poof, what happened to him. Simply put all that steadfastness, determination and strength of will comes at a high price. Sooner or later I have to sit back and realistically look at where I am, and no I'm not nice to myself when I do it. You can see a great guy, who does awesome things, for lots of people and is the guy you want to call if you need a hand. I see the guy who you ONLY call when you need a hand, ahem hello I like to have fun to. I don't mind reaching out to see whats up from time to time, but don't act like your fingers are broken it doesn't help with those dances with deep depression I tend to do from time to time. NO I do not need to seek serious help, am I still here than trust me anything I run up against at 36 is nothing compared to what it took to get me to 36.
Thing is unless it's a Mighty Mouse moment(I picked the more recent one not the original sue me) I can stay there until I find a reason to dig myself out. And usually being in the depths of the dark pit really doesn't stop me from being able to do everything else people are used to me doing. I'll still go to work, still get my crap done, you annoy me I'll still have a flippant retort if I think you're worthy of the waste of oxygen it takes to address you. But I'm on autopilot, there is no real passion or strength of will behind it(I know doesn't make it any less sharp just means if you shut up quickly I won't go in for the kill), hell if you need help figuring it out my brain still works fine it's just bugging the hell out of me at the moment and I truly wish it would shut up.
What does that mean, it means any extra curricular non "required" activities that you may know me to be involved in will suffer(say like a blog, or twitter account, or social site profile, or text messaging yadda yadda) I will respond but I won't be the first like I am sometimes. Now I don't know how they can figure a Goat with a Fish Tail is a sun sign on that site but meh for the most part they had us right so I will not complain. Am I a life long friend sure, doesn't mean you can't piss me off and be on the DNC list for a while(do not call) or even worse the DNR(Do Not Respond) list. Saying I can be a dick at times of "emotional distress" is completely fair, I'm reacting I am not looking or observing. And while when paying attention I may be more subtle in some of my approaches when I'm just on instinct it's all hard reactions crush first ask questions later, disembowel and then check for signs of intelligence, destroy and then see if you were just trying to get some help. Probably best for me to only deal with fellow capricorns at times like that because even if we don't realize each other is in such a state our natural interactions to such stimuli tend to be the same analyze, challenge, and re engage. Which if you can separate your feelings from the words being said to you or the subject matter at hand is fine, but if you cannot feels like a tidal wave rolling in. To put it mildly as high as I can get and as "sunny", strong willed, and unflappable is just how depressed, insecure, and fragile.
Wait you, dude you're never fragile nothing is easier to do when you look at it logically then to add a few extra "blemishes" to a photo to take it from damaged and worthless to distinctive and priceless. Remember I see my flaws and do not dance away from them, so when you go to attack one I already have my prepared defense ready. Most people think you won't see the flaw and thus won't know to attack it, I fully expect the flaw to be a bright red "Strike Here NOW" target that you cannot resist. Thing is if I know you can't resist it, I can stack a few boulders, a water tank, hell some hot oil behind it and make you take a few losses before you break on through. And usually for most folks that is enough.
And yes this is all capricorns, if you caught a hot ass whippin unexpectedly yes you were on the right track but no you weren't prepared for what someone who is truly "brutally honest" with themselves would do to someone who dared continue on said right track. I don't say things to hurt you, I say them because I hope to help you, now if there is something I don't know how to ask for help for anybody not willing to take that tongue lashing and push forward to help pull me out of the depths will be laid bare and sent packing. As with any journey unless it is one way you must have enough resources for there and back or else make provisions to pick some up along the way. Sometimes I just need somebody to be willing to bring me some water or a bite to eat and I'll be good(in case you though all that deep thinking is easy, pfft are you nuts).
Okay enough 1 this means I have done at least one blog for this week, 2 talking about my dances with depression don't help me they just remind me I haven't dealt with them and 3 this is just another "place holder" for other things I either really want or need to talk about.
And yes it is being posted, cowardice is not something I have time for. If you read it fine comment, if you don't no bother this blog is about my expression not about popularity if you enjoy it welcome if you hate it speak up and be gone, but it ain gonna change how I got about who I am and what I do. Now I guess it would be nice if I payed Word press a visit, sheesh I sure do like to bite off a lot
No comments:
Post a Comment